Disciplining Children Labeled ADD/ADHD
Positive, sound, discipline practices that work with children labeled Attention Deficit Disorder/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder will work for all children. But discipline practices which work for ‘normal’ kids often will often have no effect on children in trouble - those most likely to be diagnosed with ADD/ADHD.
Remember that when you are so frustrated with your ADD/ADHD child you want to throw her out of the window. Many of us parents with children in difficulties continue to hope that what works with our neighbor’s children will work with ours. It will not, but if you learn to manage your ADD/ADHD child, you can probably manage any child on earth.
Here are a few tips on how to discipline a child diagnosed ADD/ADHD:
1. Discipline only when it’s necessary
One mother of an ADD/ADHD child was almost crying when she told me her son only wants to pour his milk from glass to glass, and not drink it. But all children love to pour, and it is actually taught in Montessori schools to help children develop eye-hand coordination. We only make our parenting jobs more difficult when we try to control harmless or even useful things out children may want to do. ADD/ADHD children love handling things and should be allowed to use this to learn. So you should allow your child to touch the car radio, or computer, or the remote, though you should be close by to teach her how to do it properly and not ruin anything.
This means you should start by paying attention to your child (and not the other way around!) to leave her alone (or praise her if she wants you to) when she does something right, and to correct immediately when she does something wrong. What is wrong and what is right? One rule of thumb is that anything that is unethical, dangerous, or bad etiquette is not allowed. Everything else is.
2. Discipline immediately
Don’t nag - make it clear to your children that you expect obedience immediately or at the most after one reminder. And let them know if they choose not to obey, there are quick consequences.
After this point, take action. For little children, it is often enough to raise your voice and stand over them to make them do what you want you want them to do. For older kids, raising your voice and some other form of consequence, like losing car, TV, internet privileges or pocket money, will have effect.
Some parents and children get into an unhealthy pattern where the parent has to say something ten times for the child to even make a move to cooperate. Meanwhile, the parent gets more and more frustrated till she reaches explosion point herself - what ADD/ADHD literature often says ADD/ADHD children provoke in their parents. The way to avoid this is to expect quick cooperation from your children, and to take action quickly when this is not happening.
3. Communicate clearly
ADD/ADHD adults and children have trouble reading non-verbal cues. I learnt early that if I wanted my son to take me seriously, my non-verbal cues should match my words. When I needed to tell him not to do something, I should go close to him, make eye contact, keep my face severe and say that it (whatever it was he wanted to do) was unacceptable. If I smiled, my message would be lost.
We also need to be consistent. For example, if biting is a problem, you should not allow your child to bite anyone. Allowing her to bite an obnoxious cousin who pushes all her buttons (and yours) but getting angry when she bites her grandmother will not work. Be consistent whether you are at home or in a public place. Reacting less when she bites you in a public place will be a big mistake.
Your child needs to respect you, and respect will come when you are consistent and clear in your expectations of your child.
4. Love and faith after discipline
Children need to know that we reject their behavior but we don’t reject them. So when they want to kiss and make up after they have been punished for doing something wrong, welcome them and use their new mood to explain why certain things should not be done (or need to be done). If you find you have been unjust in punishing, you need to apologize.
Believe in your child - that she wants to do well and is not out to make your life miserable, and that she will find her way and make a positive contribution to the world. A child (ADD/ADHD or not ADD/ADHD) who has at least one adult, parent or teacher, who loves her and has faith in her ability to do well in life, is more likely to be a success than a child who has none. Even while you discipline your child, you should let her know that you are doing it for her and that because you love her
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